Eidetic Digressions
by drabsparrow
Summary: FemShep is in a love triangle with Thane and Kaidan. She goes to Heurta to visit her boys. First she takes some alone time with Thane. Then, she drops by Kaidan's room, realizing too late that she's tripping on Drell. My twist on the Kaidan confrontation.


**There are so many paths through this game, and even if you got to the same place, the game designers couldn't know how you were thinking about the relationships between these characters. So, I wrote this little story as a personalized extension to the conflict conversation between Kaidan and FemShep about her relationship with Thane. **

Shepard slipped out of the hospital bed, trying not to wake Thane. She dressed in silence and turned to look at her slumbering lover. She blinked hard, holding back tears; nothing would be helped by adding moisture to the atmosphere. There would be time to mourn when he was dead. Her fingertips ran down the smooth scales of his arm, reassuring herself that he was really still there. Somehow this leave taking had the painful feeling of finality to it. Shepard knew Thane would prefer she woke him to say goodbye, but she just couldn't face the idea. As she stepped into the hallway, the bright light blurred into a rainbow corona at the edge of her vision. The side effects of prolonged contact with a Drell were beginning to kick in. Briefly, she considered going back into Thane's room to sit and wait for the hallucinogen to wear off, but she flinched away from that idea. On impulse, she ducked into Kaiden's room and sat down next to his bed. As soon as her ass touched the chair she realized that it was it was a mistake to see him in her current state. She should have thought about where she was going.

"Shepard, hey. You just missed snack time. Actually, that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming." Kaiden said.

As Shepard turned to face Kaiden, she felt like the room was turning at the same time, slowing her progress. His lower body was covered by a clean white sheet, his torso was bare. Her eyes didn't make it to his face; they got lost in the broad expanse of his chest.

""""

_Your hand trembles as you trail your fingers down my neck and shoulders. I shiver. Your pupils dilate, eyes dart down my body, back to my face. You look hungry. I snake my arms around your waist, pull you close, warm skin against exposed breast. Your hands knead my back. Lips eager._

""""

Shepard jerked hard to the side, shattering the memory. The world swam in colored streamers and she put her head between her knees. She tried to concentrate on breathing and not throwing up.

"Shepard? Shepard! What's going on? Talk to me. Shepard!"

She could hear Kaiden yelling and wanted very much for him to be quiet.

The door opened and a nurse came in. "What's going on in here?" the nurse asked.

"Shepard," he pointed, "She kind of went into a trance and started speaking strangely. Now, she's not responding."

"I'm okay." Shepard managed without looking up.

The nurse's shoes squeaked as she squatted down in front of Shepard. "You don't look okay."

Shepard slowly pushed her way back into an upright position. "I'm fine. Really. Or at least, I will be. I'm just having a strong reaction to contact with Drell physiology."

The nurse smiled. "Oh, of course. I saw you two in the lobby, earlier."

Just like that, memory took over again.

""""

_I scan the room, looking for him. Spot him looking out the window. He's lost weight. He mock punches the air, movement sudden, graceful, familiar. I touch his arm and he turns to face me. Eyes dark drowning pools. 'Siha.' he says, then he turns aside and coughs._

""""

The nurse snapped her fingers in Shepard's face. "Hey. Come back to us."

Shepard stopped. She looked at the nurse. She blinked.

"You didn't get enough exposure to cause full eidetic hallucinations just from the level of contact I saw in the lobby."

Out loud, Shepard responded "No." In her head, she continued -Please stop. Don't talk about this now.-

The nurse was not a mind reader. "His lung capacity is down to eighteen precent. He is in no shape to be engaging in sexual intercourse."

Shepard felt a sense of dread as she fell into the hallucination.

""""

_His movements have an unfamiliar, rough urgency. Eyes closed, breath ragged. Harsh exhale with each thrust. The pace of his respiration keeping time with the pace of his need. He stills, then shudders his release above me. His body collapses, limp, no breath. I struggle to leverage him off, to call for help. He jerks awake, his deep gasping breath rattles in his chest. When he has recovered enough, he rolls off me._

_"Siha, I... I am sorry. I did not wish your final memories of me to be like this."_

_"Thane, I love you. I want every memory of you I can get. I've lost too much time already."_

""""

Some one squeezed her hands and Shepard escaped the memory to find the nurse with tears sliding down her face unchecked. "I'm sorry," the nurse whispered, "I didn't mean to trigger that."

Shepard nodded, silent, trying to focus.

"My husband was in the second fleet," the nurse said.

Shepard stared at her a moment, trying to make sense of this statement. Then, realization dawned and she blinked hard, dislodging sudden tears that burned a hot trail down her face. "Then your husband died a hero. Without the sacrifice of the brave men and women of the second fleet, the Alliance would hardly have anything left to retake Earth."

The nurse looked down to where she was still clasping Shepard's hands and then back up. "Do you really think we'll retake earth?"

Shepard sat up straight and looked the nurse in the eyes, trying to ignore the halo of light dancing around them both. "Yes. We will."

"Good," she said, then she repeated, "good." She sat back on her heels and studied Shepard. "I know it's probably little consolation now... but at least you have this time to say goodbye."

When Shepard spoke, her voice was rough with emotion. "I'm not ready for goodbye."

"I don't think anyone ever is," the nurse said, then stood up. "You should stay in the hospital for an hour or so until the hallucinations wear off."

Shepard nodded, a little too fast, and then closed her eyes to stop the world from swimming. When she opened her eyes again, the nurse had gone. Kaidan coughed, pointedly and Shepard inhaled sharply through her nose. At some point during her conversation with the nurse, she had forgotten Kaidan was there. She did the slow, horror movie turn.

His face was still bruised and his eyes were puffy and red as if he'd been crying, but his expression was all anger. "First, you work for Cerberus. Then, you fuck an assassin. If these are the kind of people you choose to associate with, why, exactly, am I supposed to trust you?"

Shepard felt distant. She wasn't quite mad, just surprised. "Was that meant to be hurtful?"

He looked away and took a deep breath. "Your right, I'm sorry. That was out of line. It's just so easy to be angry lately."

"It's okay. You're tired. I should let you rest." Shepard started to stand up.

"No, sit. The nurse said you shouldn't go anywhere for an hour. The least I can do after that last comment is look after you until your head clears."

She settled back, wearily. Lately, she didn't know what to do with Kaidan. They'd both be more comfortable if she went and found somewhere else to sit, but she didn't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting his peace offering. "Kaiden, I'm.. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. We were so far apart and our fight on Horizon really threw me. You just shut me down. I was in a pretty bad place, and you walked away from me."

"Yeah, I'll own that. Seeing you alive sent me spinning and... uh... I handled it badly. I'm sorry, Shepard."

""""

_The sun is too bright and my shoulder is starting to swell inside my armor. You turn and go. "Joker send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."_

_I stumble on the gravel. My feet are heavy. Garrus catches my arm and pain shoots through my shoulder._

_Garrus sees me wince and says, "You can't just run in to battle every time. You need to let us help fight."_

_"I'm fine, Garrus. "_

_"Is that why you ran out of medi-gel in that last fight? Is that why you're limping back to the shuttle wounded?"_

_"I said, I'm fine."_

_"It doesn't solve anything if you die."_

_"Sure it does. If I die, then I don't have to fight anymore."_

_"Shepard!"_

_"I said I'm fine."_

""""

Shepard stopped talking and stared out the window.

"I... I didn't know." Kaidan said softly.

"You didn't try to find out."

He glared at her and sat up. "Two years I mourned you. Two years I thought you were dead. Then you just show up, out of the blue, and say hi, and I'm supposed to just let it go like it never happened?"

"Do you still think I wasn't dead?" Shepard watched his face.

"Maybe you were in a coma the whole time. I'd like to think that you didn't just let me believe you were dead for two years. I don't know. All I know is that even Cerberus can't bring people back from the grave."

Shepard started to shake her head but stopped when he vision streaked and blurred. "A few hundred years ago, if you didn't have a heart beat, you were dead. But then they figured out how to use electricity to restart a heart. And then they figured out how to transplant a heart if yours gave out. And now we can give people bionic hearts that pump instead of beating at all. So, what exactly is dead these days? It's hard to say. But I'll tell you this, I've seen the medical logs. When Cerberus got my body, I was a pile of bones, melted armor and burnt meat you wouldn't feed a varren."

Kaidan leaned back and looked up at the ceiling. Then he looked back at Shepard, "Okay, so you were mostly dead."

Shepard burst out laughing. "Princess Bride?"

He looked sheepish, "Yeah."

"I have missed you."

Kaiden took her hand, gently. "But he was there for you when I was not."

"That's not-" she started but a memory broke in on her.

""""

_I look up from my tablet as Thane enters my cabin. His eyes are troubled._

_"Thane."_

_"Siha I...I have know I will die for many years. I've tried to leave the galaxy better than I found it. You've helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We've righted many wrongs... I've spoken to my son. I should be at peace on the eve of battle."_

_"Stop. Don't give me a speech."_

_"I'm ashamed."_

_I reach up and touch his face. He brushes my hand away and turns his back to me. For a moment he leans on my desk, then he slams his fist down._

_"I have worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I've done. Prepared. I consider my body's death and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me."_

_I wrap my hand around his fist and he turns towards me, dry scales streaked with tears._

_"Thane. Be alive with me tonight."_

_His lips taste like honey and ash._

_""""_

They both sat in silence for awhile. It was Kaiden who spoke first, "He let you take care of him."

Shepard looked at him quizzically, surprised he understood. "Yeah."

"You always did suck at letting yourself be weak." He gave her a half hearted smile.

She chuckled. "In a way, Thane and I were in a similar place. We were both close to death, just from opposite sides. Being there for him has helped me to reevaluate what happened to me. Because of him I can see this life as a second chance. A gift, not a burden."

She ran her fingers through her hair and took a second to restrain herself from slamming her own fist into a table. "I should be here. Holding his hand. Taking care of him until the end. Instead I have to be out there, fighting the goddamn Reapers." Shepard bit her lip and tried not to start crying again. "How am I supposed to keep fighting when he's gone?"

"You can do this. I know you can. I... I lost a lover once, too. If I can survive it... well, god knows you're stronger than me. You'll find a way."

"Kaidan," Shepard said softly. She thought for a moment, then came to a decision. "We are trained to stay calm even in the face of death so we can finish the mission. But when I faced death, all the calm gave me was a moment of clarity before the darkness took me." The effects of the hallucinogen were beginning to wear off, but for the first time, she intentionally dropped into a memory.

""""

_I hit the eject button, sending Joker to safety. As pod takes off, the jets push me clear of the Normandy. The next explosion sends shrapnel tearing through my suit. I can feel my air supply venting. I'm spinning. One rotation, the Collector ship is floating through the wreckage. The next rotation, I see it make an FTL jump and disappear. It didn't hang around to wipe out the escape pods. You're safe. I may be dead, but you'll keep going, keep fighting. I feel relief. As the planet nears, I think of the time I had with you. When my vision starts to goes dark, I let myself pretend I'm falling asleep in your arms again._

""""

"Shepard, I just want you to know, for me, there isn't anyone else, and, I still care."

"Kaidan, I- Look, after Horizon I thought about this. When I died, we were just getting started. But even if we'd had more time, if we'd gotten married, the vows would have only been 'until death do you part.' "

"So, what are you trying to say, that because you died, it nullifies everything that came before?" Kaiden sounded angry again.

"No, Kaidan, that's not what I'm saying at all, and I think you know it. What we had together, it's still precious to me..."

"But..." he prompted.

"But I can't just pretend my death didn't matter, that what I share with Thane never happened. I couldn't just pick up where we left off like nothing changed, because it has... I have. I still care, too, but, well, don't wait for me, okay?"

Kaidan stared at the ceiling for a long minute. "I get that. I don't like it, but I guess I get it."

Shepard took a deep breath, "Feel like we've cleared the air?"

"Yeah, um, I'm not sure that I've been wrong about Cerberus, but, I've been wrong about you. I should let you get back to the Normandy. Wish I could come with you."

Shepard stood up. "Take care of yourself Kaidan. We need you at a hundred precent."

"Will do. Thanks for coming." Kaidan said as Shepard turned to leave.

**_Should the wide world roll away,_**

**_Leaving black terror, _**

**_Limitless night,_**

**_Nor God, nor man, no place to stand_**

**_Would be to me essential,_**

**_If thou and thy white arms were there,_**

**_And the fall to doom a long way_**

**_-Stephen Crane_**

_Thanks for reading, and thanks even more for reviewing. _


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